Thursday, June 28, 2007
Actually it has thrown me for a loop. I am so emotional thinking back at my own time of having a baby and can not believe that I will never have another. Holding a precious gift of life.
My daughter has been and always will be the most wonderful gift I have ever received, but it hurts my heart to think it stops with her. There are so many things to think about though and for the majority I have talked myself out of thinking that I would be able to accommodate mother hood to anymore children. My biggest fear was breaking the bond with my daughter. You see, Stasia and I have travelled a long road together. She has always been my drive for life. Now though she is twelve and I know that is not all grown up and she still needs me and all that, but she just doesn't need me enough...you know? Which is good and I love the stages of watching her grow and soon she will be a teen and I can't wait to see her become a young teen girl, flirting and giggling and laughing and fussing all the good things. I just miss the baby times. She was a perfect baby. Never cried never grumpy she was a happy little bundle of joy.
Even if it was possible to have a child I would be older and right now I have started on a journey for myself. It's true you know..as you become and older woman (well, closer to the forties years) You really do become more complete and satisfied in your own self. I really love the time I am spending at karate, and kayaking( if I ever get out again) and times I get to just do nothing. But would I give it up again to hold and adore another gift of life? I don't know. What I do know is looking at Krista's baby and seeing pictures of her boys makes me think, yes I might. Time, luck, and patients, all contributing factors. Well, I suppose though maybe it will pass and I will just get over it, but it seems to always be burning in the back of my brain. What if? Is this really the end? Do I wait now until my daughter is grown and decides that she is ready to have children. What if she never does and I have become accustomed to the fact that I was going to be a grandma one day and settled for never having more because of that, and she decides she does not want them. Of course that would be fine, it's her life, but what if? This is just a post of rambling I really needed to get it out you know. This way it is still to myself and I don't have to talk to anyone about it, but of coarse you all are reading this so I also feel like I talked to someone, even though I didn't. So Rambling is done and the next post will be happy and I will be over the indecisiveness. No regrets Roght? Right. So good day to all and Thanks again. Krista...you have done a marvelous job...Hillary is wonderful. Enjoy!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I have been wanting to use my kayak, but ever since I have gotten it the weather has been yucky. (Go figure) So here I am posting about nothing in particular. This weekend Stasia is off to karate camp. She absolutely loves going. Sensei is always laughing at her because she is always the first to ask "When is camp this year" almost right after we start again in September. It's funny though they work her but off and yet she still wants to go. Try working her at home, jeesh there's a headache waiting to happen. So hopefully this weekend is nice for the kids at camp and me going kayaking. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
I am counting down the days until I get to go to the island (home). I can almost smell the sea air! I am so excited to see my friends and my Grandma. Oh and playland is going to be fun too! Anyway for nothing to post this is just getting longer. So off to work I go. Take care and thanks for letting me ramble.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Stasia and I went to Maddan Lake fishing on Sunday, and this little guy came swimming buy. I have never seen a Blue Billed Duck before so I had to have a picture of him. He is so neat.
Oh, and we fished for hours and not even a bite. We had fun though, and there was so much wilderness to absorb. It was a very nice day.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Anyway off to work I go.
Have a great day everybody.
Friday, June 1, 2007
I also feel like because my daughter is getting older and more independent I am little by little becoming more alone. I love my daughter desperately and know she has to sped her wings and fly, but if I could just put her into a glass box and stop time I would. She is the most perfect child anyone could ask for and she is smart and beautiful, it scares me to watch her grow at the same time I am excited to see this wonderful person become who she is suppose to be in her life. Jeesh I don't know why I am all mushy today, but there it is.
On another note; could every person out there pray for me to get my yellow belt tonight. Wow that almost makes me fell guilty asking for a prayer when there are so many more important things to pray about in this world. OK could you put one in for those who really need it too.